Jun 27, 2015

The Weight We Were.....


Howdy friends,
So, be advised:  I am cranky.  Eh, more pissed than cranky, but definitely not happy.
You see, in May of 2013, I embarked on a medically supervised weight loss program (HMR Diet) through the Hospital of Central Connecticut.  I selected the "Very Low Calorie Diet" which consisted mostly of HMR shakes, vegetables, vitamins, and a few other foods in very limited quantities. No alcohol.  I would go on this diet, attend a class every week, get weighed in, and meet with a Doctor who checked my vital signs.
April 2013. The tipping point.
I was so ready to lose weight.  Back in 2013, I had tipped the scales at my highest weight ever, and I was lethargic, tired, foggy, and quite honestly, sad.  I couldn't be trusted with regular food. (I've been known to drink all of my Weight Watchers points in Chardonnay.....or eat  6 "Just 2 Points" bars.) I was out of control.
As I have gotten older, it has become crystal clear that I have an eating disorder.  Or maybe it's just weakness. Something between me and food is terribly wrong.  We aren't friends.  We don't like each other.  And we sabotage each other constantly.  More on that later.  So, I did the HMR Diet program faithfully and religiously, allowing myself to go out to dinner with my friends once or maybe twice a week, and I would order grilled fish, vegetables, and seltzer.  I became the star student of the program.  Always smiling, and always losing weight. I was even interviewed by Fox CT.  Life was good.
The not drinking was really hard for me.  Being single, my social life consists of socializing...dinner/drinks with friends--it's how we connect and catch up.  It's amazing how often I drank before.  Once I got the hang of not drinking, I was fine in social situations, but it was very difficult in the beginning.  But, I lost weight.  Boy, did I lose weight.  It felt amazing.  I lost 25 pounds in 6 weeks.  I was more motivated than ever, and sticking to the program became part of my normal daily routine.  I didn't even drink on my birthday. I was determined.
Thanksgiving 2013

All in all, I lost a total of 85 pounds over a period of  10 months.  I was so proud of myself.  I felt unreal.  I was a size 10, wearing size medium, and basically my entire life was changing.  I felt pretty and confident for the first time in my life.  I was getting my brain in order.  Things were good. I vowed that I would never, ever, under any circumstances, be fat again. The photo of me with the sunglasses and wine was taken in May of 2014.  I was doing it.  I was winning the game.
Fast forward to June of 2015.  I've gained 30 pounds.  Rather quickly.  I actually maintained my weight loss for awhile, and even managed to balance some wine in to the equation.  I was in control. Food and I had a shaky cease-fire thing going.  I'm not sure what the defining moment was, but somehow,  the wheels started to fall off the truck.  I don't just gain a few pounds here and there.  I can really pack those pounds on.  It sucked.  I had no control, and every day, I'd tell myself that I'd get back on track, back on the program, and then some sort of sugar demon in my brain would crave carbohydrates, alcohol, and candy.  As an aside, as a depression sufferer, one of the notorious side effects is a propensity to eat carbohydrates.  I am a textbook case.  If I am going through a depression spell, I can eat incredible amount of carbohydrates.  "What did you eat today, Lucy?" "Oh, um, three Goldberg's bagels, popcorn and some Sweedish fish".  See where I'm going with that?  It's very easy to gain weight when you have never had control over food.  I want to be one of those people who only eat because they are genuinely hungry and can stop when they are full.  No, that's not me. A pint of Ben & Jerry's?  How long is that supposed to last? Is it really FOUR servings? Yikes.
So here we are. Most of my clothes don't fit, or are uncomfortably tight, which makes me mad every time I get dressed.  Today, I packed a box of awesome J. Crew, Banana Republic, Lilly and CAbi clothes in to a box, They are so far from fitting, they are just wasting space.  I've had to buy bigger clothes.  And as someone who loves to buy clothes, it is not nearly as fun when you're doing it because your cute clothes don't fit. I feel like I failed.
June 19th, 2015
I think what bothers me most about the weight gain are the mental repercussions.  I put a lot of emphasis on my weight.  My confidence level is directly proportionate to how much I weigh.  Oh, I know I am supposed to love myself, but I definitely love myself more when I am thin.  I actually don't love myself at all when I am fat.  I've never been one of those people who embraces her curves.  No, I don't have curves.  It's called fat, and it disgusts me and makes me sad.  I wasn't a fat kid; It's not genetic, so I have no excuse. I do it to myself.  Every...Single...Time.
Everything is better when I feel better.  My relationships with family, friends and people I may be dating.  I meet more people. I am much more fun to hang out with.  I am much more........Lucy.
So here I am, on the eve of starting a new job on Monday, desperately needing to get some self control and power over food.  I'm still down 55 pounds, but it's not 85 pounds.  I need to do this. My goal was to get to my ideal weight, which would have meant losing 100 pounds.  Oh, how close I was to actually achieving this goal.  Which scared me really badly.  Fear is a formidable opponent. Clearly scared me right back in to my old habits.
It has to stop.
I will not go back there.
I will not be that miserable ever again.
I will not be that lonely ever again.
I will win this battle.

Thanks for letting me get this off my mind.
Until next time.......


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