Dec 31, 2015

A glance back, and a jump forward....

Hey Uncorked friends.  It's me. I'm baaaaaack.
SuperGirl LEGO Keychain
Did you think I gave up on my blog? Not a chance. I can understand...I haven't written a post since the end of September.  Truth be told, the post I wrote about "Facebook Fine" and my friend Jon's untimely death was so well received, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and frozen.  I've spent the last three months trying to think of something that will resonate with people, get people talking, thinking and sharing, and I've just come up empty time and time again.  Funny, all I want is for people to read my blog and enjoy it and once that happened, I hid from the world.  

But here it is, New Years Eve.  The end of 2015.  Woot.  At least for me it's a Woot.  I mean, if we are being honest here, it wasn't my best year.  No, not at all.  I disappointed myself on just about every level this year.  Personal, professional, you name it.  I take full responsibility.  I really did nothing to help myself right the ship, pick myself up, stop the insanity, however you want to say it.  So, I am ready for this year to end.  The last quarter in particular was a bit of a free fall.  My first car accident since I was 17 years old.  Astronomical weight gain.  Sugar addiction. Hibernation. Not taking care of myself.  Financial troubles. Dark times. 

I mean, there were bright spots.  My new consulting job at LEGO.  I'm finishing up week four and am happy.  
My dog Percy, who seemingly loves me no matter how fat or poor I am.  My family, who supports me & understands that there is something larger at play and that depression totally sucks. My friends, who seem to like me no matter how miserable I make myself.  

I've learned a lot over the past few years. I've learned that I can't exactly out-run or out-wit clinical depression.  It's a beast and the minute it's not managed or respected, that shit goes crazy.  I need to pay more attention to the beast in 2016.  I need to respect that he's there, and hammer out some sort of truce.  Without a truce, I run the risk of losing. Losing friends, losing jobs, losing the love for myself.  Losing big. I can't have that happen in 2016.  

I need to take better care of myself.  It's a known fact by now that I have a rocky relationship with food.  I need to start eating for nourishment again and stop eating sugared cereal by the box.  The emotional over eating serves no purpose. It's hard to explain to outsiders. If you don't understand, you are lucky.  It literally makes me sick, mad, guilty, shameful and doesn't even take the hunger away. It's awful.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  I lost 85 pounds in 2013/2014. I don't know if I've gained it all back  yet, but I am certainly on my way.  What a waste.  A ridiculous waste of energy, resources and happiness.  I can't go back there.  I know there shouldn't be, but for me there's a direct correlation between my weight and my happiness. I've said this before, but I am not a happy fat person.  I don't love myself, and I don't expect others to. I meet more people when I'm thinner. Not because I look better, but I feel better.  I am literally a different person. Ask any of my friends. They've seen this phenomenon play out time and time again.  I need to feel good, and look good for me.  That's the "normal" Lucy.  This, whatever this is, is not the normal Lucy.  This is a Lucy that hides. Hides from everything, but mostly, from reality.  

So yeah.  I've got some work to do.  Lots of work.  Not exactly thinking that 2016 is going to be the funnest year (yes, I know that funnest isn't a word, but I like it anyway) but it is going to HAVE to be a year of focus and work.  Work on myself.  On my wallet.  On my career. On my relationships.  
Truth be told, I am scared shitless.  Because that's a lot of work.  And sometimes, I prefer that things come easily.  Call me lazy, but big reward with minimal effort sounds great to me.  Except that it never happens.  Greatness and reward comes with work, and I need to work hard.  I need to right the SS Lucy and get back to fully and happily functioning in this world.  I need to take care of my health, not so I look good (although, bonus) but so I don't make myself sicker. Depression is in itself a plateful of ill, I don't need any other diagnosis to bring me down.  
So, I am not going to hammer out resolutions where I feel like I'll fail if I fall off the horse.  Because I know I'll fall off the horse time and time again.  I will promise this.  I am back on my HMR Diet program starting on Saturday.  This most likely means no alcohol (again) for me for the time being.  I've been told that sober Lucy is not half as fun as Drinking Lucy, but drinking and dieting don't work for me.  I need to clear my head.  I am also exploring the Dave Ramsey "Total Money Makeover" plan. Anyone ever done it?  It's strict, and I expect there to be some big changes to my lifestyle.  If you don't want me living with you or sucking your tax dollars up, I need to do this.  I need to better plan for the future.  Because my rich husband obviously went to someone else.  (ha ha, I kid. I don't need anyone, but sure would be nice not to worry) 
I have a few  years to go before I hit my next big birthday.  I want to look (inside and out) drastically different by then.  I don't want to have panic, worry, self doubt or self hatred. Buh-bye. 
The happier I become on this journey, the more fun I will be. Don't forget about me toiling away over here in the corner.  I still want to do stuff, see people, laugh and prosper.  It just might look a little different this year.  This isn't meant to be a bleak post, I am excited, ready and looking forward. It's time. 

As always, I can't thank you enough for your support, kind words, and friendship. I have great people in my life, and my foibles are in no way related to them....they are all brought on solely by me.  Thank you for indulging me and reading and sharing my blog. Plan on seeing a lot more posts from LucyUncorked. You are going to be witness to turning my frown upside down. 
I wish everyone reading this a happy, healthy 2016 filled with laughter, love and time to enjoy each other.  Happy New Year.  xoxox

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